Hello, my old heart
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?
I’ve been so worried, you’ve been so still
Barely beating at all
Oh, oh, don’t leave me here alone
Don’t tell me that we’ve grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, oh, I don’t wanna be alone
I wanna find a home
And I wanna share it with you
Hello, my old heart
It’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away
And every day, I add another stone
To the walls I built around you
To keep you safе
Oh, oh, don’t leave me hеre alone
Don’t tell me that we’ve grown
For having loved a little while
Oh, oh, I don’t wanna be alone
I wanna find a home
And I wanna share it with you
Hello, my old heart
How have you been?
How is it being locked away?
Well, don’t you worry, ’cause in there, you’re safe
And it’s true, you’ll never beat
But you’ll never break
Oh, and nothing lasts forever
Some things aren’t meant to be
But you’ll never find the answers
Until you set your old heart free
Until you set your old heart free
(Hello My Old Heart, by The Oh Hellos, 2011)
I started going through puberty at 8 years old. A bright orange sports bra showed up on my bed one morning and my mom casually mentioned that I needed to wear it every day. I wasn’t aware of the changes that were going on in my body until my clothes stopped fitting like they used to.
My siblings and I at the time were part of a homeschool co-op that had weekly PE classes at our local YMCA. Shortly after I started wearing the sports bra, there was a very rainy day on which we had PE, and I happened to be wearing a white shirt. I remember running from our 15-passenger van (only available transportation that could fit my family of 8 at the time) to the YMCA main building and getting soaked. That particular day I was wearing a white tee shirt and purple shorts. My clothes were drenched by the rain, and low and behold, my orange bra could be seen through my white shirt.
I was horrified and shocked. The whole class was spent in a feeling of shame and humiliation. When we got back home, my mother lectured me and told me to never wear a light colored shirt with a non-beige colored bra. I was confused. I only had one bra. This was the first time she talked openly to me about this entire situation. How was I to know? I internalized the message that my body and undergarments were bad, and I was NOT supposed to draw attention to it.
Historically in evangelical churches, from a very early age, females are told that their bodies are sinful and meant to be covered up. Their virginity/purity is the most important thing about their character and being. Shoulders and knees should be covered, and exposing any amount of skin is sinful. The Proverbs 31 woman is described as a woman clothed with strength and dignity, indicating that her worth is not found in outward adornment but her character. 1 Timothy 2:9-10 instructs women to dress with modesty and decency, a passage that is broadly applied to mean that anything deemed immodest is sinful. 1 Corinthians 6 instructs followers of Christ to be without sexual immorality, 1 Peter 1 reinforces this by saying that believers should be holy as God is holy.
Purity culture sprung up in the evangelical church in the 1980s and 1990s as a response to the sexual revolution and increase in teenage birth rates. Females are taught that they are gate-keepers of their virginity and purity. Males are taught that they are a summation of their base urges- all sexual in nature. (Note- none of this is actually based on Scripture). This is reinforced by writings such as “Every Man’s Battle” (Spoiler alert- its not every man’s battle!). Dating in purity culture is discouraged, an idea that was popularized by Josh Harris’ book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, which I read at age 11. Courtship with the intention of marriage is what is prescribed, and was reinforced in Harris’ later book “Boy Meets Girl” (I read this at 12). Young people are encouraged to deny their urges and desires and focus on God and his timing. Taught that God will provide them with their perfect spouse and that if they wait until marriage to have sex that it will be the best sex ever first time out of the gate (Note- the data does not support this).
The undue burden of purity culture is placed on females. They are the ones responsible for its success as their bodies are the key element that holds the entire system together. A cardigan became the essential element for every outfit in my home growing up as it covered chests and shoulders. My sisters and I were often told to change our clothes or add another piece of clothing to our ensemble as what we were wearing was “too huggy” (a favorite phrase of my mother). The first time I was told this I was 9 years old.
I became acutely aware of my body from a very young age. I can even remember noticing when adult men were looking at my body, and thinking it was my fault for whatever I was wearing. A better question that adult Janeway now asks is “why were adult men looking at my chest to begin with?” In my 8-12 year old range I preferred to wear “boy clothes”, mostly hand-me-downs from friends and my oldest brother. They were baggy and safe- not sinful at all. How could they make a man stumble if they were gigantic?
Purity culture adds the complex element of lack of education about bodies and how they function. The thought is that if young people are taught sex education that they will then want to have sex. Parents are expected to instruct their children in sex education, however they see fit. The only sex-education I received from my mother was a book left on my bed about my changing body. It had poorly drawn diagrams about my period and nothing about how my body or cycle worked. Nothing about male anatomy. There was a simple description about how babies are made (sperm meets egg), but what did that even mean? Ironically, when I got married at 24, the day before my wedding my mother asked me if I had any questions, Too little, too late, mom. (that’s a story for another time).
I started my period at age 10 (yes it was VERY early and terrifying), and I remember yelling for my sister Min* who was 13 at the time, because I had no idea what was happening. I didn’t ever talk to my mother about it. Min taught me everything she knew at that time about what I needed to do. Over 20 years later I look back and wish I was taught about cycles and what is within the realm of “normal/typical.” Perhaps I could have been given a PCOS diagnosis sooner than 17 years later, and received help and treatment for my symptoms. Instead, when my mom found out months later that I started cycling, she just told me “well, now you’re a woman! That’s so exciting!” At 10: labeled a woman. No longer a child.
A favorite resource shared amongst parents in my PCA church’s library was the film “Sex Has a Price Tag”. My take aways after watching it in my living room with most of my family was that teens have a dangerous drive to have sex. You will get pregnant and it will shame you and your family, and then you have the responsibility to raise that child. There was the added layer of “bonding” with whomever you have sex with. A popular idea within purity culture is that you give a part of your soul to whomever you have sex with. Girls are often compared to a piece of chewing gum. If they have sex with someone who is not their spouse, they are essentially being chewed up and used. Who wants pre-chewed gum?
But what’s at the core of these messages? They teach that females are consumable and males are the consumer. That males cannot control themselves and so females must then control themselves and their counterparts. There is no balance of self-control and teaching that all people are image bearers of God, and worthy of respect. Females are taught that their only value lies in their virginity. What of their value once its gone, even if in marriage?
The impact of purity culture is a traumatized generation experiencing abuse, sexual disfunction and legalism. Purity culture is in opposition to how Jesus taught his followers to live.
Jesus doesn’t place the importance of sexual purity at the crux of his teachings. He sits with people, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done in their lives, and loves on them. He shares meals, takes journeys, and lives life alongside real people. Why was this message held as the purpose of life for a generation of young people when it’s not what living a christian life is about? Christians are commanded to love one another as Christ loved them, to practice the things they learned in the life of Christ so as to experience the peace of God. To love neighbor, and treat people with love.
I read “She Deserves Better” by Sheila Wray Gregoire (2023) in early 2024. I promptly asked Anagen to also read the book, and it sparked many conversations and re-evaluations in our own lives as we sought to parent our children well. We were well into our journeys of deconstruction, and it added to the pile of messages we were unpacking. It gave him an added position of empathy and helped him to better understand many of the messages I received as a child, while also helping him work out a few of his own wounds from past experiences.
The book has been powerful as it puts words to the messages I received as a child. I am on a journey as I parse through the damaging messages that I received growing up in the PCA; I strive to raise my own daughter to love Jesus and reject that which is not true, beneficial, or scripturally based.
Every story and testimony in She Deserves Better brought me to tears. Not only because they are raw, or because they are hard (as real life is hard and raw), but because I could put a name from my own life to each story. More often than not, the name was my own, or one of my family members.
I have watched 3 of my 5 siblings deconstruct their faith and reject the evangelical teachings we were raised under. My sisters Min* and Moghedien* now identify as atheist and pointedly identify purity culture and the sexist structure of and misogynistic leanings of the Evangelical church as their reasoning against the existence of God. The Evangelical church brought us nothing but pain and heartache, when we just needed to be shown what love and acceptance looks like by the one true Jesus.
I say all this as preface to what my goal is, both as a mother and a child of the God who loves me and accepts me for who I am: I want better for Sweet Pea and Anomander Rake*. My children both deserve better. My children should not experience the harmful messaging and teaching that I shouldered for far too long.
There are many women and men who have a very similar background and story to my own. I see God working in the hearts of many to identify the hurt, sit with it, and move beyond the degradation of people as objects, and instead see them as whole people loved by God, worthy of knowing about their full selves.
*Note- all names have been changed to protect the identity of those described.
Author’s note: I wrote this while listening to The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance (2006).