Last week I wrote new marriage vows to Anagen. 9 years ago in September we stood before our families and more people than I intended (thanks mom!) and vowed to love, honor and cherish each other till death us do part.
9 years later we stand poised to move into what we hope will be our forever home in the next month or so. When I married Anagen and said the words “in sickness and in health” I didn’t realize that that would include a bipolar diagnosis, hospitalizations, periods of depression, and a rush hysterectomy. When I said for richer or poorer I didn’t realize at the time that that would include hidden credit card debt and money mismanagement. When I said for better or worse I didn’t realize that would cover the highs and lows of parenting or living with another person who battles daily ups and downs that I don’t experience. I didn’t know that the for better or worse would cover the process of deconstruction of faith and reconstruction.
Standing opposite the love of my life on September 2, 2017, I didn’t realize what would encompass living out the promises I was making.
When the rubber hits the road, young people who get married and make the traditional marriage vows don’t fully understand the impact of the promises they make. There is little preparation or teaching of the tools and resources that will be needed when working through conflict, hurt, or betrayal. Popular evangelical marriage books cook down needs in marriage to sexual entitlement by men and respect/submission by women. The true reality in a healthy marriage of equals is the necessity of communication, mutual respect, and true intimacy by both parties. When issues or disagreements arise in marriage, instead of bowing to the decision of a “head”, getting outside help from trained, competent counselors is invaluable. Treating your spouse as an equal partner, who is capable of participating in a mutual, healthy relationship is key. Learning that Anagen was capable and willing to help carry the mental load of parenting and life changed the burden of daily life.
One key dynamic that impacted our early years of marriage was starting our relationship over again after a period apart in therapy. We learned how to work through our baggage with our families of origin, and how to unpack the years of hurt and codependency from previously dating for 5 years. We found the tools to give us words and resources for when our marriage was challenging. Learning that marriage is not inherently supposed to be hard was radical. No where in scripture does it say that marriage is hard. Evangelical teaching about marriage emphasizes sanctification and how marriage is going to be hard. There is lore that the struggle for power between husband and wife is tied to the curse in Genesis 3, and reiterated by the description in Ephesians of husbands being the head and the wife submitting. But what if this is taken out of context? What if the more productive and Christ-like response in marriage is to treat each other with mutual respect and love?
This has been the posture that has made my marriage to Anagen worth it, even when there are trials and I don’t know how they will resolve.
Over the past few months I’ve been thinking about the vows I made, and realized that they don’t cover the reality of the commitment I made all those years ago. I decided that I want to make new promises to Anagen, ones that acknowledge the reality our life together and the growth we’ve experienced both together and individually.
When we do move we agreed to make new vows to each other, just the two of us. This time I don’t need a sanctuary full of people to be witness to my commitment. I will make new vows that affirm my commitment to my partner and hold space for the adventure we are on together.
Author’s note: I wrote this while listening to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan.
Additional note: An excellent resource for anyone who is married or considering marriage is The Marriage You Want by Keith and Shelia Gregoire.